I'm beginning to understand what It means to turn away from God, what it does to Him, how He feels. To have so.much.love to a people that will repeatedly hurt you- wow. I think sometimes we talk about God's love like it's this abstract static thing. It always looks the same, acts the same, and feels the same. But if God is Love, then all his reactions: anger, pain, judgement, compassion, patience, wisdom- are also love. His anger towards Israel in Hosea was because he loved Israel, but they were hurting Him. Their idol worship, their blasphemous ways, their empty praises and sacrifices all hurt God. Turning away from God is spiritual prostitution. The love that is suppose to be His, you have given to someone else, something else. Thank the Son for being the high priest between the sinful us and the holy Father, but that does not change the pain we inflict on God when we turn away and give or love to anyone but Him.
This was good of me to know, to know the full consequence of my own sins. To finally understand what scripture means when it says when a follower turns from God, it's like crucifying Christ on the cross all over again. It inflicts that much pain. God does not deserve that. No one deserves that.
However, one thing that I've come to realize is how much pride is gone from me. I truly feel like I am broken, putting all my faith and strength on the Lord, and humbly learning how to trust Him to give me strength, I being the worst of sinners. There is a peace in brokenness, I don't mind resting my weary head here, on my Father's chest. I guess sometimes God really has to drag you through the dirt to teach you humility.
Today's a hard day for me, as a friend of mine is going through the same journey I am. But God is being sovereign, and even though I am worried, I will trust in him. Recently I've been writing poems that come to me. I'm not a poet. But I'll share the one I wrote today:
I release this pain I feel
I receive your comfort
I release the frustration and resentment
I receive your patience, peace, love
I release the building bitterness and hatred
I receive your peace and love
I release this anger towards my sister
I receive your compassion and wisdom
I release the hatred, anger, bitterness
I receive all of you
I release the anger and bitterness
I receive all of you
Yes. I receive,
all of you
In the stillness of God. I find peace and refuge.
In the stillness, I am close to You.
Peace be with you.