An Exercise in Honesty

I've had a hard time settling into a topic that I want to write about- I have a lot of half baked notions but all of them seem to be blocked because of an obstacle I've encountered in this chapter of my life. It would be nothing, but one of the reasons I created this blog was to be open and honest about my spiritual walk no matter how good or bad. I think i'm finally at a point where I can start doing that.

In the past year, The enemy has attacked my family. He has attacked every member of my family, even myself. And to be honest it shook the very core of what I believe in. I know that's a very silly thing to say or think, especially in light of all the amazing power God has demonstrated in my life and the life of others around me, but I think sometimes we take for granted how much of a rock our families are. When your family is broken, it's like you are broken too- at least that's how I've been feeling. As I have articulated on the blog before, I have a hard time finding community so I find it no coincidence that when the one place I did find community, my family, went under attack, the Devil took that weak spot and exploited it. I've been going through these past few months holding bitterness towards God, my parents, my sibling, and myself while desperately trying to find means of feeling grounded again. Of feeling soil under my feet- a weight holding me down. I pushed God away and sought to be my own redeemer- I'm sure we all know the end of that story, and now I have to live with the consequences of choices I've made.

However, feeling the most broken and helpless I have ever felt. In the depths of the darkest pit, holding wounds and shame bigger than I can ever mend, I've come to realize that all that I've been putting myself into have not made these wounds go away but covered them up. And when confronted with reality I've overwhelmed with sadness, I'm forced to see and feel how broken I really am, how broken my family is. I'm also confronted with a large sense of loneliness- with a lack of a church community, a family community, I don't know who to go to or how to mend my wounds. My situation is bigger than I can handle and very soon, covering it up will not work anymore.

However, though I have been faithless- God has been faithful. After months of letting me carry on and live on slapping His hand away, He reached me in the depths of the darkest of seas. This past week, I got a message from a old childhood friend of mine. We parted ways long ago but out of the blue she contacted me. She reminded me of a time when we were very young, when I told her about who Jesus was and how much He wanted to love her. She told me that is when she accepted Christ into her life- that she recalls that night when she wavers in what truth she knows. And that she thanks me for being open and sharing the salvation I knew as a child with her. The most amazing part of this story is that I barely remember that time, I wouldn't have even recalled it if she didn't mention it- and the scene in my head almost feels like a dream. But I do remember it now.

In the middle of my hopelessness- when I'm no longer really sure if this situation is redeemable and when things are going from bad to worse, God reminded me that there is grace. That He is in control- even when I'm not aware of it. He reminded me that no matter what, He is and always will love me and that he will not desert me- He will not abandon me or my family. And even though I don't know when or how, God will make things right again. I can know that, I need to know that...I need to embrace Him.

I've picked up my bible after a very long time. I'm finally almost done with Psalm. I think I'll begin reading the short books on prophets next.

"The Lord is faithful to all his promises,

and loving toward all he has made.

The Lord upholds all those who fall

and lifts up all who are bowed down.

The eyes of all look to you,

and you give them their food at the proper time.

You open your hand

and satisfy the desires of every living thing.

The Lord is righteous in all his ways

and loving towards all he has made.

The Lord is near to all who call on him,

to all who call on him in truth.

He fulfills the desires of those who fear him;

He hears their cry and saves them.

The Lord watches over all who love him..."

Psalm 145:13b-20a.

I'm sorry for making the classic 'vague but emotional' post. It was an exercise in allowing myself to be vulnerable among others- something that God has told me to start working on. Hopefully my next post will be less, melodramatic.

Peace be with you,

Tabitha